Building A Family Foundation For The New Year

Scene: The day is Christmas. 5:00pm. Mom & Dad sit down at the table to enjoy a family meal together. Dinner has been prepared (Like... a real dinner, one that took a couple of hours to make), the table has been set (with real dishes tonight- not paper plates), the laptop has been logged into the extended family zoom-call. Cue toddler meltdown: “I don’t want to eat this!” “I want to playyyyy!” “I want to watch Daniel Tiger!” “I don’t want the blue cup!” “No! Not Grandma!” OOOF. Let’s wrap up this year and get your family stepping into the new year on the right foot. We have 3 ideas to help you hit the reset button. Read on, and stay strong! 2021 is coming in HOT and we are ready for it.

1. Create family rules.
Sit down and ask yourself- what are our family rules? Got a few in mind? Great! Now ask yourself- can my child tell me what our family rules are? Hmmm. Maybe?!

Family rules are incredibly important for learning appropriate, acceptable behaviors and differentiating those from the ones that, well, aren’t. Family rules get everyone on the same page- and when there is more clarity, there is less room for boundary pushing, power struggles, marital disputes. Yeehaw.

How to establish family rules: please note: if you don’t like the term “rule”, then feel free to call them “guidelines”, or “agreements”.

• Choose 3-5 family rules (no more because it would be likely overwhelming to young children. Question? How do you keep rules to a max of 5? Answer: Keep them broad and all-encompassing. The reason for this is because almost every single behavior will fit under your rule umbrella- or not- and that’s when it is clear that a rule has been broken).
  
• Frame rules positively (anything that is written in a negative way (ex: No rudeness allowed) can be reframed positively. EX: “Be kind”. Children are MUCH more likely to listen to positive language).
  
• Consider what behaviors are negotiable and non-negotiable (negotiable rules are high priority behaviors for your children. When negotiable rules aren’t followed, a conversation and/or compromise usually occurs. Non-negotiable rules should be centered on safety and health. When non-negotiable rules aren’t followed, a consequence occurs).
  
• Follow-through (if your child breaks a non-negotiable rule, think about what consequences are logical. A “time-out” often doesn’t fit. If you are looking for ideas on appropriate consequences, and/or alternatives to time-out’s, schedule a chat with us).
  
• Make your rules seen and heard (children really don’t care how artistic you are! Just write them down- draw or print a simple picture if you have a child who isn’t reading yet, and hang it up in a spot where everyone will view it regular and often. Also, use your rule language frequently. EX: “In our family, our rule is be kind”, “It’s time to wash your hands, we have a family rule to be clean”, “I see you sitting on the couch- thank you for following our family rule of being safe”).
  

Not sure where to start? We often suggest these: 1) Be Safe 2) Be Kind 3) Be Clean.
Want more info on rules? We are always here to help. Schedule a FREE 15-min consultation call here.

2. Hold family meetings.
Try not to let the term “meeting” scare you away. The point of family meetings is to gather everyone at a regular time (usually 1x per week) to set intentions, or clean up something that may not be going well in the household. Starting family meetings with a toddler looks mostly like parents scheduling it in, and holding themselves accountable to sit down as a family for 5-10 minutes 1x per week, and complete an activity together. It could be reading a book about kindness, it could be drawing a picture for Grandma, it could be role-playing what gentle hands look like with Baby or at the playground, it could be revisiting the family rules and singing them out loud together. It shouldn’t feel heavy. Starting when you have a little kiddo, will help your family establish a rhythm so when they grow into a bigger kiddo, they know they have that time to count on. 

How to start family meetings:

• Start now (go ahead- put it on the calendar for next week).
  
• Be consistent (if you miss a week, don’t stress- pick it back up again the following).
  
• Keep it short (2-3 goals MAX).
  
• Listen (Let your child speak to each point made- this is a time to model healthy communication and collaboration).
  
• Give your child a role (ideas include: snack maker, book holder, timekeeper, blanket-getter, paper-bringer...anything. Giving them a role makes them feel valued).
  
• End it sweet (compliments, hugs, and sometimes a sugar treat too are all good ways to wrap it up).
  

3. Commit to Golden Time.
Ready for the #1 tip that parenting experts continually emphasize? It is something that helps prevent meltdowns, creates deeper bonds, and fills your child’s heart with love. Golden Time. Perhaps you’ve heard it called something different but the idea remains- quality, regular 1/1 time with you. Sounds simple, but our Golden Time has a few specific details to keep in mind to maximize effectiveness. 

Golden Time tips:

• Allow it to be child-led (that means the child gets to pick what you do, within reason of course. They want to bake muffins? Play Barbies? Build a block tower? Great. What it’s not: “Hey, kiddo! We are going to target together!”... unless they ask for that…).
  
• Make it regular: (aim for 20 minutes a day in any combination. Maybe it is 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes in the evening. OR all in the morning. When your child gets older it can be a longer, less frequent. EX: 2-hours every Saturday).
  
• Uninterrupted (no siblings allowed, no cell phones, no cooking dinner or doing laundry at the same time. Did we mention no cell phones?).
  

Remember, there is no such thing as the perfect parent. Whether you jump into all these ideas this week or dabble in only one for the next 6 months- it’s all good. And if you read this list and think “I can’t possibly…”, then stick these ideas in your Parenting Toolkit until you’re ready! There is no time-sensitive rush here. You can start any of these when your children are age 2, 5, or 10, anytime you think it’s time to try something fresh.